However, I have no quarrel with those who wish to believe this totally unsubstantiated and
     preposterous Chinese version. Much ado has been made about the Great Chinese enigma,
     which I must, in the defense of truth, point out, has long since been proven a falsehood by
     numerous members of our naval forces who, from time to time, have plucked posies on the
     flower boats in the Whang Po river, and who have, one and all, reported, "It aint so."
     Those lying photographs of luscious Chinese palomas de la noche, to the contrary.

     Moreover, those who stubbornly insist that etymologically they are in the right with their
     repeated assertions that such classical Chinese names as Whang Po, Hang Far Low, Long
     Dong of Hong Kong, all indicate an Oriental origin for our ancient and honorable order of
     E.C.V., are barking up the wrong linguistic tree.

     This is particularly true with reference to the various terms used in connection with the
     Staff of Relief.

     In partial refutation of the Far Eastern school, I shall cite several references bearing upon
     the European origin of our terminology which has become widespread throughout the New
     World.

     Since I propose to prove that the original Staff of Relief in California was indigenous to the
     land, I shall venture a few definitions which have cropped up from time to time in sundry
     places, all of which are applicable to the Staff of Relief, which was first discovered in
     California some four centuries ago.

     When Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo, that doughty Portuguese explorer first reached the
     California coast in the Year of Our Lord, 1542, he landed upon the Island of Santa
     Catalina, and others in the chain of islets lying off the coast, and reported, somewhat
     briefly, upon the new found lands and their inhabitants. Whereas Cabrillo was reticent
     about proclaiming his exploits, one of his followers, Senor Don Chile Verega Fulano de Tal,
     was not so backward. Don Chile, in his later years, when the fires of youth had somewhat
     dimmed, like many old men, lived only upon the reminiscences of the days when he was full
     of beans, vim and vigor. Like his sturdy contemporary, Bernal Diaz del Castillo, Don Chile
     passed his later years writing about the Conquest and, it must be admitted, boasting
     somewhat about his personal conquests.

     Don Chile, according to his autobiography,Recharts de Fuego de Un Capitan del Mundo
     Nuevo, published in Quiburi, Sonora, on the first press ever brought into those wastelands,
     in the year 1560, and later transferred to the thriving city of Tubac, relates many curious
     and interesting tales concerning his adventures in Mexico and later upon the California
     coast.

     This little volume of memoirs is perhaps the rarest of all Mexicana. One known copy has
     been recorded (vide Wagner-Camp No. 1001-A). Apparently this somewhat spicy account
     of the private lives of the old conquistadores was suppressed by the Church and Don Chile
     himself was forced to flee into the wilds of Chihuahua where he passed the remainder of his
     days, a fugitive from the wrath of the Church and the swords of his erstwhile companeros
     who wished to forget their illicit dalliances with the maids of Montezuma, especially when
     such references irritated their current spouses and their numerous respectable progeny.

     The noble capitan (he claimed nobility because his father was a high official in the Court of
     Spain and his mother, one of the daughters of a lady-in-waiting to Queen Isabella, had
     fallen for the blandishments of the high official and ran off with him, just for a lark, which,
     as Don Chile humorously remarked, "was the reason why my companions-at- arms, often
     referred to me as The Lark'", wrote quite frankly of the exploits of Cabrillo and his men on
     Santa Catalina.

     "As we were sailing along our course, cursing the thick fog which blinded our vision, we
     broke through the mist quite suddenly and there, smiling in the bright sunshine lay a
     beautiful island. We had been several days at sea since leaving the port of San Miguel
     where we found the natives, especially the men, quite hostile, and we hoped, as all sailors
     and soldiers do, that this port would prove more hospitable.

     "When we had landed upon this island, which we called Santa Catalina (by drawing names
     from a helmet), we found, much to our surprise and delight that the gentiles were inclined
     peaceably toward us and that the women (at first), seemed almost white in complexion. But
     after we had been there for a week, we were astounded at the dark hues which they
     assumed. However, since we had been many weary days at sea in our leaky old tub, we
     were not too particular. The good father who was with us, at first frowned upon our innocent
     pleasures until an incident occurred which changed his attitude, concerning which I will
     presently relate.

     "Our good commander however, family man that he was, understood our playful natures
     and wholeheartedly joined in our pursuits of pleasure. Indeed, it was while engaged in this
     side line of exploring on the Isla de Possession, (later renamed San Miguel), that he
     slipped and broke his leg, whilst the object of immediate concern did escape over a sand
     dune with her grass skirt a-flying in the breeze."

     Don Chile continued. "On Santa Catalina our most noble commander kept pace with the
     best of us although in years he was somewhat older and so well did he perform his duties
     that the mugeres de la isla for the nonce, did forego the use of the Staff."

     The Staff, to which the noble Capitan Chile Verega refers, is described in his next passage:
     "This article was in the nature of a long, well formed piece of stone, made smooth by much
     handling. It was the thickness of a lance butt or the barrel of a small pedrero (cannon), and
     upon one end was a knob, in shape somewhat like the cascabel upon the breech of a
     cannon. We were given to understand, through signs and energetic gesticulation that these
     staffs were greatly cherished by the women of the tribe, particularly those who had been so
     unfortunate as to lose their husbands either in battle or by drowning. We did note, however,
     that practically every house on the island had one of these implements and were informed
     that sometimes even the married woman and unmarried girls had recourse to these staffs,
     more particularly when the men of the village were forced by storms to remain with
     kinsmen on the mainland, some few leagues distant.

     "Incredible as it may seem, some of these staffs were a vara in length and of a diameter
     which even our most valiant soldiers could not achieve although they did strive mightily and
     even I was nearly forced to yield, but by dint of much striving, I did, upon several
     occasions, much to the delight and amazement of my charming companion, equal the
     diameter of their home made dildos."

     [N.B. The doughty capitan here indulges in one of his braggadocios which, as Clampers we
     can readily forgive, since we, too, are only human.]

     "Pursuing our search for more knowledge of the inhabitants of this island, we came upon a
     large cleared place, surrounded by a brush enclosure and situated in the center of this
     place, standing proudly upright, was a noble staff of wood made in the form of the Devil."

     [N.B. A noted Italian author in one of his stories mentions such a Devil which plagued a
     poor serving wench, and it was only when a good friar, the erring brother of Brother
     Dumbellicus, did put the Devil in Hell that the poor girl received any relief.]

     "To this Staff was attached a tuft of feathers. This did interest us greatly, for hitherto we
     had not encountered any such civilized advancement in the New World. We had always
     been led to believe that the French were the first to make use of such devices, and it did
     surprise us mightily that these poor savages who were so often cast upon their own
     resources, should have learned this exquisite truth."

     After a somewhat long and rambling description of the fish, fowl and other natural wonders
     of the island, Don Chile returns to the subject which seems to interest him the most.

     "Our good padre, desiring to show the gentiles the strength of the true God of the
     Spaniards over their heathen deity, did cast down this staff of wood before them, whereat
     the woman did rejoice exceedingly, thinking in their own peculiar way that the good man
     was boasting! Before he could so much as utter an "Ave Maria", the pounced upon him
     and tugged at his gray robe in such a manner as to embarrass him exceedingly. Vainly did
     he importune them to desist, saying that it was not meet that a son of the Church should be
     thus treated and that his vows did not permit him to think upon such indignities to his
     person and he did perspire most freely although the sky was overcast with clouds and the
     wind blew sharply from the north, and there was no sun.

     "Upon observing his plight and noting that his resistance was about gone and his cries for
     help were weak and exceedingly pitiful to hear, our men did rush forward, calling upon
     Santiago to help them. The maidens did then turn upon us and although our doublets and
     hose were more intricate than the robes of the reverend father, nevertheless those
     untutored savages (with some slight assistance from us), did find the right points and laces
     and soon the brush enclosure and the nearby houses did resound with the sharp cries of the
     victorious Indians. The contests were long and arduous, for as I can well testify, even at
     this late date, my pulse quickens as I think of the Battle of the Staff, and several hours
     later, our men did emerge from the conflict, pale and exhausted, and with faces bleeding
     from long scratches inflicted upon them by the frenzied females. In his thankfulness for his
     deliverance from the clutching hands of his tormentors and the salvation of his chastity, our
     reverent Father did proclaim forgiveness to all participants in this affray and upon the
     following Sunday did bless God for his mercy and pointed up his sermon with the story of
     the unfortunate Harare who was with Hernando de Soto as a warning to us."

     This terminates the pertinent passages of Don Chile Verega Fulano de Tal with reference
     to the Staff of Relief.

     I might add as a note of explanation that Don Chile's descriptions of the long pestles, the
     use of which he describes so vividly, were quite accurate. Specimens answering his
     descriptions have been found upon the islands and at many sites along the mainland.
     Moreover, many of these are so well made that they appear to have been turned upon a
     lathe and the heads of the pestles are, in some instances most realistically carved. One
     such instrument, which was a small one, apparently used by a beginner, was found in
     Arizona with eyes carved in the head. I presume this was to show the spirit of the
     implement the way home.

     Other Spanish explorers recorded the temple on Catalina Island. Sebastian Vizcaino, who
     dropped anchor off the island in 1602, said:

     "Here also was a temple for sacrifices. It was a large enclosure entirely level; and near the
     altar, an ample circle surrounded with feathers of different kinds of birds, possibly such as
     had been sacrificed to the idols. Within the circle was a figure painted with a variety of
     colors and resembling the image by which the Indians of New Spain represent the devil."

     Lieutenant Fages, exploring the mainland in 1769 observed:

     "Their idols are placed near the village. . . . These idols are nothing but sticks or stone
     figurines painted with colors and surmounted with plumage. Their ordinary height is three
     hands, and they place them in the cleanest and most highly embellished place they can
     find."

     Martinez in 1792 remarked: All these rancherias are alike, without exception, place a
     stake a vara and a quarter in length in the clearest and most elevated spot, and on top of it
     a bunch of feathers . . . ."

     Father Senan, at a slightly later date, visited some of these coastal sites and said: "In the
     vicinity of their rancherias and on the mountain, they used to have some places which they
     kept very clean swept and adorned with beautiful plumage put on poles. To these places
     they would go as to their sacred places. Here they would assemble in time of need and
     conduct a sort of a pilgrimage."

     Capitan Chile in his work offers a sketch, drawn on the spot, of one of these ceremonies, to
     which Father Senan refers. To this work of art I now respectfully draw your attention.
     Here, without doubt, is a representation of one of the first Clamper ceremonies in which the
     Widows were allowed to participate. In the centuries that have followed we have departed
     from the original ritual, to the extent that certain portions of it are now practiced in darkest
     secrecy whereas formerly it was performed boldly in the open.

     Certain aspects of the old primeval ceremony, will however, strike responsive chords in the
     hearts of present day Clampers. Thus, the cluster of dropping feathers, surmounting the
     pristine erectness of the Staff, may be interpreted merely as a symbolical representation of
     the aftermath of rejoicing and depicts the advance of age upon the Clamper. It serves as a
     warning to him that youth wanes and old age creepeth upon him. Let him, therefore, look
     with respect and awe upon the Staff of Relief, and let him now, while he is in his prime,
     enter the Hall of Comparative Ovalation, with rejoicing, as did Capitan Chile Verega
     Fulano de Tal and his hardy men when they landed upon the island of Santa Catalina to
     make merry with the Widows of Old California.